January 16, 2012
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self-reflection on inebriation
Love's sinking in the sand,
petals falling on demand.
My feet are running like the wind.- Little Dragon, Ritual Union
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I'm very prudent by nature, so I grew up with extremely minimal contact with alcohol. I've never really partaken in that dimension of the college culture - the only experience I had was a college party freshman year where all I did was help a girl throw up in the bathroom all night and try to keep my roommate from making out with everyone. So I've ever wielded any particular interest for any part of it. I didn't care for alcohol or partying at all. So for most people, it's not really something worth writing about. But when I finally tried dipping my toes in that water, it was a very monumental, new experience for me.
My Bro and I sat there, leaning against his bed, with him just teasing me about how uninformed I am, and I laughed, "I am the worst 21-year-old ever. I have no idea about anything. I feel like I need to be better at being 21." He took me to Raley's and we scoped out the liquor section, and when I went, "OH! A gin and tonic?!" he replied, "I'm surprised that you know what a gin and tonic is, to be honest," and I added, "I'm surprised too, actually." Yep.
Eventually, I would learn that I am actually a really ridiculous drunk. I always expected myself to be some fantastical creature of rainbows and unicorns, who is somehow even happier than I normally am. I'd be that joyous, jolly drunk that dances jigs on the counter and strikes everyone in song. At first, that really is what I do. It's just funnier and more sarcastic, more vulgar and more free.
But when I actually get drunk, imagine the most obnoxious, irritating person you have ever met - the person that makes you want to ram a shiv in their eye every single time that they dare take a breath, let alone open their mouth to talk. That is who I evidently become.
When I was challenged, I became insanely aggressive. I cursed outrageously - conversations become riddled with "shit" and the F-word. A guy hit on me, and before even exchanging names, I yelled at him, "HEY. SUCK IT!" Later, I verbally smacked down my sister in an extraordinarily arrogant manner, and afterward she would constantly tell me, "I was... about to kill you." I was selectively remembering the argument - I thought I was being some logical creature who stated everything matter-of-factly and was accurately describing my personal views, whereas Sober Designated Driver Sister brought me to the revelation that I was actually just acting like the biggest douche of the universe. Which is the reason of all my emo posts yesterday - I thought I was acting sincerely, and I had no idea I suddenly had this hugely annoying god complex who was completely inaccurate about all the things that I actually believe in. She called me a monster and she called me a robot because I was, well, kind of being the biggest douche in the universe.
And when I meet new people whilst drunk, it's this horrific monstrous version of my natural social butterfly nature. Any normal day, I can't even make impressions of a "valley girl" accent. It hurts my soul and my brain cells every time I even give it a thought. Then I drink a few mimosas and a long island iced tea, and all of the sudden my natural voice during first impressions with everyone at the bar becomes: "Oh. My. God! That is so cute, oh my god, that is so interesting! My name is Christa and my sister's name is Christine, isn't that amazing?! Our parents are so creative! Oh my god, I LOVE Big Bang Theory! Oh my god, I LOVE Sheldon, he like, makes that show! Oh my god, that is so funny!" I remembered it all as just normal conversation, so which is also why I was so confused and affected by my sister's disgust at my social interactions. I had no idea that I was actually... being an enormously dumbass ho-bag.
My sister spent the entire day after making impressions of Stupid Idiot Drunk Valley Girl Christa and I washed in shame. I would rebut, in my usual flustered high-pitched voice, "OH MY DEAR GOODNESS, I swear to god, I am NOT like that when I actually meet people. Holy crap, NO. No no no. Oh my god, I am earnestly an intelligent human being, I SWEAR."
She adds, "Dude. You're not allowed to socially drink. You're such a total bitch, dude. Everyone that would be around you would not want to be your friend anymore, because they would all go, 'Man, she's a bitch.'"
I then tell her, "So I'm trying to accurately describe myself when I'm drunk, and it's apparently... annoying, obnoxious, flirty, arrogant, aggressive, idiotic valley girl."
She replied, "Yep. Sounds about right."
When my housemate later asked me about how was my first time socially drinking, I said, "Haha, yeah! It was an... experience. But my overall conclusion is that it's not... really my thing."
SOML.