January 15, 2012

• "You're not a human.  You're a robot."

  In my mind, I was sobbing uncontrollably. But in actuality, I was not.  In actuality, I was unaffected.  And in novel amounts of inebriation, I stared at her emptily and simply stated, "This is the price that it takes for me.  This is what it takes to be me.  This is what it takes to become who I am meant to be.  I am to move mountains, and I simply do not have the time to be human."

  She replies, "You're shitting me a script, with all of the lines already planned.  If this is what it takes, then I'm okay with who I am, to be this utterly socially awkward person.  I am okay with it, if becoming you is what it takes to succeed."

  I reply, "I understand.  But for me, this is what it takes.  I cannot waste the time that it takes to be human."

  In a pause that was unable to affect me, she adds, "I don't like who you are right now.  This is ugly.  I don't want you to drink the next time you come to visit me."  When we finally arrived home, after a drive where zero words were shared, she adds, "When some people drink, they become someone else.  But when other people drink, they become who they really are."

  In spite of the fact that I still can currently barely feel the sensations of fingers against keyboard, I understood that she intended the latter towards me.

  I am not the beautiful soul that everyone perceives me to be.

  "You're a monster."

  ...

  I am a monster.

  • 3:48 am
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