Day: January 15, 2012

  • Addendum

    "What?  Okay, so I was really bummed out when I woke up this morning because I remembered yesterday very differently.  I thought that everything was reflective of my actual self and my actual values, but whoa, no, that is not accurate of who I am.  I actually woke up feeling depressed because I thought I was realizing how awful I truly am."

    "No, you're just a total bitch when you're drunk.  That was awful."

    So this is what it's like to dip my toes into cold waters, and then be instantaneously driven away by it.

  • I have no pedestal.

    I have not been taken down a few notches nor have I been kicked down a few pegs, because there are no notches, and there are no pegs.

    I don't know how so many bad things can happen in the span of eight days.  I don't know just how much my entire world can be torn apart.  All of my foundations.  I don't know how I'm making so many errors.  I don't know how far I've fallen off the beaten path, but I'm lost, and I currently feel like there's no way to get back.  I've been losing opportunities, I've been losing friends, I've been taken advantage of, I've been making rookie mistakes, I've been losing respect, I've been losing trust, I've been losing love, I've been cast into shadows.  Everything I have believed in, everything that I have pursued, everything that I have established is all falling apart.  All within eight days.  Everything in life just feels wrong.  Everything in life just feels wrong.

    I want to give up.

    I feel like I am on the threshold of relapse, and I want to say the usual, "I'm so scared of relapse.  I'm so afraid right now."

    But I'm not.

    I just want to give up.

  • "You're not a human.  You're a robot."

    In my mind, I was sobbing uncontrollably. But in actuality, I was not.  In actuality, I was unaffected.  And in novel amounts of inebriation, I stared at her emptily and simply stated, "This is the price that it takes for me.  This is what it takes to be me.  This is what it takes to become who I am meant to be.  I am to move mountains, and I simply do not have the time to be human."

    She replies, "You're shitting me a script, with all of the lines already planned.  If this is what it takes, then I'm okay with who I am, to be this utterly socially awkward person.  I am okay with it, if becoming you is what it takes to succeed."

    I reply, "I understand.  But for me, this is what it takes.  I cannot waste the time that it takes to be human."

    In a pause that was unable to affect me, she adds, "I don't like who you are right now.  This is ugly.  I don't want you to drink the next time you come to visit me."  When we finally arrived home, after a drive where zero words were shared, she adds, "When some people drink, they become someone else.  But when other people drink, they become who they really are."

    In spite of the fact that I still can currently barely feel the sensations of fingers against keyboard, I understood that she intended the latter towards me.

    I am not the beautiful soul that everyone perceives me to be.

    "You're a monster."

    ...

    I am a monster.