January 10, 2012

  • regression

    I regressed.

    It is a crime that I was hesitant to even realize, let alone admit.  I have retracted to a previous state of myself -- an inferior state of myself.

    It finally became tangible during one of today's lab protocols.  At my level, I should not be committing rookie mistakes.  I am going to be presenting my research at a national conference to faculty from around the world.  I have excelled past the level of independent protocols; I am beginning to assist in the actual design of experiments.  I am going to conduct my own complete stem cell project.  Thousands of dollars and months of labor will be trusted in my hands.

    And somehow, during the crux of a novel analysis technique, a technique placed in my able hands, I forgot to wet the Wet Staining Chamber.  It's in the name.

    It's in the name.

    Failure is still fresh.  I might have lost our goddamn stain, or even worse, our samples.  I'm not going to find out until tomorrow.

    I got so frustrated with myself.  There are excusable errors, and then there's forgetting to add water to the Wet Chamber.  I lost focus.  My head was light and my breathing was shallow.  My technique became rushed and inconsistent, my hands started shaking, and then it happened.  I lost another fucking sample.  I heaved a sigh when my post-doc gave me that look -- the look where he audibly feigns understanding, but in his eyes, there is disappointment.

    Disappointment.

    It felt so familiar.  Disappointment.  I didn't know why the taste felt so familiar.  Why did the taste of disappointment feel so familiar?

    And I realized it was everything.  It was everything.  I've regressed.  I went to the PCR room and punched the wall in tears.

    I'm no soldier without a country, I'm no warrior without a cause.  I'm no free spirit without ties, I'm no rock.  This is no feat of strength.  I am not some fearless superwoman that cannot be tamed.

    This is cowardice.  This is numbness.  This is not moving without missing a beat.  This is not pushing forward without losing a step.  This is falling back to the same demons, this is losing myself to apathy and nonchalance.

    I used to stand for more than this.  This is everything I sought to get away from.

    I realized it, and I washed in disappointment.  

    At my level, I should not be committing rookie mistakes.

    I have to turn it around.

    But I wish I could have realized this two days ago.