I regressed.

It is a crime that I was hesitant to even realize, let alone admit.  I have retracted to a previous state of myself -- an inferior state of myself.

It finally became tangible during one of today's lab protocols.  At my level, I should not be committing rookie mistakes.  I am going to be presenting my research at a national conference to faculty from around the world.  I have excelled past the level of independent protocols; I am beginning to assist in the actual design of experiments.  I am going to conduct my own complete stem cell project.  Thousands of dollars and months of labor will be trusted in my hands.

And somehow, during the crux of a novel analysis technique, a technique placed in my able hands, I forgot to wet the Wet Staining Chamber.  It's in the name.

It's in the name.

Failure is still fresh.  I might have lost our goddamn stain, or even worse, our samples.  I'm not going to find out until tomorrow.

I got so frustrated with myself.  There are excusable errors, and then there's forgetting to add water to the Wet Chamber.  I lost focus.  My head was light and my breathing was shallow.  My technique became rushed and inconsistent, my hands started shaking, and then it happened.  I lost another fucking sample.  I heaved a sigh when my post-doc gave me that look -- the look where he audibly feigns understanding, but in his eyes, there is disappointment.

Disappointment.

It felt so familiar.  Disappointment.  I didn't know why the taste felt so familiar.  Why did the taste of disappointment feel so familiar?

And I realized it was everything.  It was everything.  I've regressed.  I went to the PCR room and punched the wall in tears.

I'm no soldier without a country, I'm no warrior without a cause.  I'm no free spirit without ties, I'm no rock.  This is no feat of strength.  I am not some fearless superwoman that cannot be tamed.

This is cowardice.  This is numbness.  This is not moving without missing a beat.  This is not pushing forward without losing a step.  This is falling back to the same demons, this is losing myself to apathy and nonchalance.

I used to stand for more than this.  This is everything I sought to get away from.

I realized it, and I washed in disappointment.  

At my level, I should not be committing rookie mistakes.

I have to turn it around.

But I wish I could have realized this two days ago. 

Though I don't understand the meaning of love
I do not mind if I die trying.

- Maroon 5, How

-+-

"Ha, that's right! Happy birthday!"

-+-

I am currently sustaining on sunshine, and sunshine alone.

Despite my genuine adoration for the town, nearly every single worry and anxiety that I have harbored about returning to Merced has already been met, and I've been back for only one day.  It almost makes a girl want to take a break, or even take a tumble, but only almost.  Just almost.

Fortunately, the weather has been beautiful, and it's been impossible to fight the smiles that accompany my return to research.  It was extremely rewarding to see the expressions on everyone's faces when we first made eye contact.  It's a heartwarming mix of smiles and surprise that can only be described as, "Christa's back!!"  This is my silver lining. 

I need to focus on my lab work, I need to focus on my research, because this is my silver lining.  There is always a silver lining, even when hope everywhere else feels lost.  I have to remember that.  I have to remember that, because if I don't, then I don't know what I'm going to do.

Is putting yourself out there really worth it when you regret it this much?  At first, I felt like I conquered.  And now, nothing's the same.  I'm going to have to acknowledge that I destroyed something beautiful, with wounds that may prove irreparable.  Something that I thought was going to last forever, something that was so amazing that it could last a lifetime, is already so obviously fading, and that's my fault.  It just doesn't feel like it was worth it, to ruin a fantastic friendship just because I thought I could put my heart out there, because it doesn't feel like I simply lost something.  I feel like I came upon the most majestic painting in the halls of a marble museum, the most beautiful brushstrokes that I have ever seen in my life, and then promptly tore it down, and threw it away.

Among the things that I've learned since the Old Life ended, it's that life does not allow me to be comfortable.  So I should have known better when the restlessness faded, that it was overdue to return.  I should have known better than to have expectations for myself, to have any other expectation than the constant overcoming of hardship.  I should have learned by now, that until the stars finally congregate and agree to give me mercy, that I will always be fighting lions.  But stars are merciless.  They are fiery infernos that are set on defeating me.

Yet, I have to make myself move without skipping a beat, because this is the way that I function.  These pages, these words are the only places where I can allow myself to compromise my strength.  I have to revert back to the formulas, the equations, to the faith in coincidence, the faith that I am on a path, because I can't visualize how I'm going to forgive myself otherwise.  I fall into regress and have to lock my heart away, because right now, I can't imagine putting myself through this again.  It just doesn't feel worth it.

But, I am also strung on the hope that all of my ramblings are based on the freshness of wounds.  There are undertones of, 'Girl, this shit was just two days ago.  You gonna yourself together, mmhmm.  You two gonna be alright, mMmMmhmm.'  Right now it's hard to distinguish between wounds that will heal within days and weeks, or scars that will last forever.

"It's going to get harder."

Fuck.  I should've believed you.

I wish you also shared when it would get easier.

[Edit, 1/9/12, 10:30 PM] I actually feel better now since I wrote this.  It's been less than half an hour and I've already been fluctuating between feeling better and worse.  Can I just cop out and blame everything on PMSing?  Females, amirite? [/Edit]