How do I get you to feel what I feel for you?
I will hold on to you like a fool 'til my hands go blue;
But you don’t want to dance with me.
- Monarchy, You Don't Want To Dance With Me
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"My life would be Christa-less. I shudder at the thought."
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That equally awkward moment where he tells me that he want to take me on the dream vacation that I've been chasing for the last six years: Disneyland and Las Vegas.
It's a trip that I've been very literally dreaming about. I wake up with images of running through the walkways of Disneyland. I still daydream about walking through The Forum Shops at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. Although admittedly, mostly Disneyland. Pretty obvious reason why. C'mon, Mickey Mouse? Mickey Mouse is pure gold!
It was the single facet of The Break that pissed me off the most.
"If you were planning on breaking up with me this whole time, then WHY did you keep egging me on to make plans for our trip to Disneyland?!!?"
"If I said no, then you'd get mad at me."
Me, for seven consecutive months afterward: "...=__=."
I don't know what it is. Most people dream of going to Paris and Rome, to ride a gondola through the waterways of Venice. I do have miniature aspirations to visit New York, but it's still dwarfed by my yearning to ride Peter Pan's Flight in Fantasyland. It's really something that's not hard to believe, coming from me. After all, when my friend was asked about what I like, she replied, "Christa really likes cute, cheesy things. The cheesier, the better."
I'm infatuated with the very idea of tourism. It's not the novelty of the location, it's not even the many festivities that the location has to offer, but it's the schemes behind it that draw me in. I appreciate the way that Disneyland and Las Vegas are so specifically carved with intent to awe the congregations. They're built specifically to engage the hearts of visitors. To me, it's a very powerful achievement of man. It's a purposeful goal to create a dreamland, to create a fairy tale on earth. It's defiance in the face of the claim that unicorns don't exist; it's, "Well then, I'll just make my own unicorns," and then sharing those fruits with the populace. I appreciate knowing that the curvature of every building, every artificial landscape and light show, was made with the pure intent to draw me in. There is almost nothing practical to it. There is only the culmination of fairy tales.
Then he tells me, "I'm thinking Las Vegas. I'll fly down to Merced and we'll drive down. And we can stop by Disneyland on the way. Lol, yeah. I still remember."
But, coming from him, my immediate reflexive thought was, 'No. What the shit? No.'
I know he's still trying to win me. He knows that this is the ultimate gift that a man could give me. But it's not mine to take, because I don't love him. I've seen enough red flags, and I've learned my lesson from my last relationship; red flags are heedful warnings that are not to be ignored.
The hardest part for me is breaking the news.
How do you reject someone you've already rejected? Do you just keep crushing his heart, again and again? I don't think I can handle that. I don't think I can do that to a person. This is so stressful.