It's like the tapestries of life get tangled in the loom;
I'm like a butterfly, caught in a hurricane.
My pulse is quickening as my heart plays a new refrain.

- Just Jack, Writer's Block

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"Christa, I feel like you always have to be worrying about something.  If you're not worrying about something, then you get nervous.  You feel like you're not trying hard enough if you're not worried."

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I feel like my life is at a beat right now.  

My life is currently in that breath between lines.  It's in that ellipse between thoughts.  It's in those moments of pause.  It's in those mumbles, when you go, "Well," or "Uh," to give yourself an extra second to collect yourself.

I woke up this morning to an extremely bitter revelation.  I stopped trying.  I stopped working.  Comfort has made me lazy.  I pushed myself the entire day in response.  I pushed myself like I used to, when I was still that scared little girl in the corner.  

I let myself get lost in spite, and finally realized that was no way to live my life.  I labeled it "resilience," but I know better.  It had bitter undertones.  It was, "I'm going to spite them and let them know that I will not budge.  I am not going to let these bastards grind me down."  I do not regret my choice, but I regret how caught up I got in it.  I've finally walked away.  I am finding my priorities again.

I am bound to my old focuses again: hard work and kindness.

Brief update; I'm all homework and studying now with finals around the corner.

Life is so fast now.  I want to be steadfast, but I'm so used to being shoved around.  I'm so used to the carpet getting pulled from underneath me, that I've been trying to strike preemptively by not letting life catch up to me.  I'm always on-guard now.  I'm extremely fortunate that I'm roughing through it with good company around me.  I will say: I'm so thankful that I'm not alone anymore.  My life is full of friendship, and I'm so grateful for that.

But sometimes, I just want to come back down to earth.