December 28, 2011
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bunnie
It's not the stones inside my shoes.
It's not the risk of what's to lose.- Tokyo Police Club, Nature of the Experiment
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"We gather here today to remember the brave, young, beautiful fish named Bunnie. Contrary to her name, she was unable to hop. Although the grace with which she swam could fool even the most experienced of rabbit watchers. Rest in peace, Bunnie!"
It was a cute gesture to make for my Bunnie, who was a goldfish among goldfish. After all, over her 6.5 years of life, Bunnie was present at every milestone of my adult life. Because it didn't matter what I was going through, it didn't matter what fights I was battling -- we always had a standing appointment every morning and night for me to feed her food flakes, for six and a half years. And she was always punctual.
Thank you, Bunnie.
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I actually... astonished myself.
I'll be honest, for a second, I was internally a little, "I don't deserve this. I'm really not that special." Then when the dust settled, it hit me. That was the first time that the idea of "reciprocation" ever occurred to me.
My first reaction was confusion. I was in disbelief. I immediately scoured through months of journal entries for evidence of otherwise, because I was so dumbfounded.
And when I was unsuccessful in finding a strong counterargument against myself, I was speechless. I normally try to pursue more tact and more modesty, but I can't deny what happened. I… amazed myself.
I was in disbelief at how foreign the idea tasted to my tongue. In hindsight, it seems like something that must've been intrinsic, but no. Every act of reciprocation was never identified as something brought on by my own kindness. I never felt like I was responsible for anything good that has come my way, other than those earned by my own hard work, and by the accumulation of brownie points with the universe.
I only saw kindness as kindness, and that was enough for me. That alone was so fulfilling for me, that I never sought out for more. All I wanted was to give everyone what I didn't have when I was alone. All I wanted to was to give away everything that I was lucky enough to receive. And the very act of giving was so gratifying, that I never even conceptualized the thought of being rewarded with kindness in turn. If kindness was returned, then that was simply good fortune. Good fortune and brownie points.
I've been so bewildered this past month by all of these returned acts of kindness, that it's thrown me for a loop. When I first read the words, "Reciprocation is a minimum," I just thought that was just some cute, unique phrase to supplement a random act of kindness. It made me blush, but I never even knew to identify it as something of application.
And I amazed myself with that.
Deep within my heart, I heard my improvements cry out, "Mutiny!"
I never even saw it coming.