It's okay to say you've got a weak spot;
you don't always have to be on top.
Better to be hated than loved for what you're not.
- Marina and the Diamonds, I Am Not A Robot
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Had a beautiful holiday!
Christmas Eve and Christmas were full of family, friendship, and adventure. It was a very heartwarming change from years of lonesomeness. I actually can't remember the last time that I had such a deeply satisfying Christmas.
For one, I don't think I've ever before had the privilege of being invited to spend the holiday with another family. And also, how often can people say that they spent their Christmas chasing a waterfall?!
I'm second shadow from the right. Ha!
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"I'm very dependent on the notion that no matter what happens to my heart, my heart can heal."
"You're not afraid of the pain during the interim?"
"I am. I always am. But it's always worth it."
These are conversations that I can't help but replay in my head. It's impossible to overlook how much they have influenced me.
I've realized that I've developed a fairly high tolerance for putting my heart out on the line. My trials have left it calloused. It is hardy now. It is easy to throw my heart into the wind when I am convinced that coincidences don't exist, and that every moment is an opportunity for me to do something greater. It is easy to close my eyes and just jump when I can whisper to myself, "You've been through worse. No matter what happens, you'll make it, because you've been through worse." It is easy to be blatant when I feel no personal stake in it. I can easily tell people about my history with loneliness and depression when I compartmentalize my mind -- "This story is to educate you, not because I have personal ties to it." When I distance myself from it, reminding myself that it's in the past now, I am capable of allowing stigma to flow off the tongue.
So I am accustomed to being transparent. Transparency is not an issue for me.
But I am not used to being so vulnerable.
"You project this persona of happiness. It's amazing. I also know that it's impossible to sustain. ... It means you're human. And that's okay. And that's what I've always wanted to find."
Over the last few months, the beat of my step has become formulaic for me. As a former wallflower, I've needed to accustom myself to approaching social situations strategically. But in that moment, I was so taken aback, that I dropped all of the equations and variables in my arsenal.
And I felt so… vulnerable.
There was something fantastic to it. I got so used to the simple persona that I've built for myself. I am used to the straightforward, the simplistic: hope, hard work, and kindness. Sometimes, even I forget just how much more there is to me. It's become so natural to me to only look outward, at the beauty of life and fate, that I forget to look inward. I forget about just how simple I'm not.
It's hard to wrap my head around how I fell upon such a uniquely fulfilling friendship -- one that is not just enriching, but enlightening. It's amazing when you inspire the inspiring. When you motivate the motivating. When someone can see right through you, when someone knows you're so much more than just the simple, cookie-cut person you've made yourself out to be. When you're secretly able to reciprocate the gesture. You invest in each other, you push each other, you influence each other, and it's astonishing how much you can learn about yourself from another person. It's so hard to measure how much I've already gained from this friendship, that it's exhilarating.
Every so often, you get to see the glimmer of a star. You cross paths with people, friendships, and memories that are so far and few between, that you can tell that they are timeless.
I am witnessing timelessness.
It's more than something I am thankful for. It is something that I feel privileged to be part of.
When I decided a month ago, "This is a person worth befriending. It'd be criminal to settle for less!" I didn't realize just how srs bsns I was. Cos' that shit was apparently SRS BSNS.
Serendipity, dear catfish. Serendipity, indeed!