December 21, 2011

• fervent

  But time will only tell
  you, and no one else.

  - Relient K, Over It

  -+-

  "It shows a Christa that I knew had to exist, but never could find."

  -+-

  There's a hurricane in my heart.  

  My heart is being thrown in every direction.  Most moments, it feels warm and safe.  At others, it sinks far into the depths of my stomach, hiding in my pylorus in fear, sadness, embarrassment, and anxiety.  And then, sometimes it skips beats like a broken record, in a way that is almost frustratingly uncontrollable and undeniable.  But only almost, because the song is so beautiful that you keep playing it on repeat nonetheless.

  There's so much that I've wanted to write about these past few weeks.  I've been studying and unable to update, and I feel almost as if I've sinned by not documenting all the warmth and gratitude that I've been experiencing recently.

  But right now, I'm striving to ignore the way that history repeats itself.  I sat down with all intent to write pages and pages of my love for life and the lab.  But that message was the last thing I ever expected to see.  My heart stopped, but with little hesitation -- it's a much less beautiful song.  I'm grateful that my nap isolated me from the rest of the world, and so I dodged that bullet.  I now have time to make blueprints and strategies in my mind, but I can't visualize a smooth solution to this.  This has always been a rocky obstacle course, complete with flamethrowers and acid rain.  But I can't evade this.  I'm forced to play my hand, and all my cards are in the hole.  This is going to be unpleasant.  That was a heart-in-my-pylorus moment, and I'm sure that I'm bound for many more.  Damn.

  But what I do know, is that sometime soon, I will finally sit here and write with peace of mind and get to say all the things I want to say.

  Until then: damn.

  • 2:59 am
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