November 15, 2011
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rigid
Ambitions
like ribbons
worn bright on my sleeve.- Vienna Teng, Eric's Song
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How do you resolve yourself when people are trying to convince you that you’re replaceable? You’re no one special. You’re a footnote. You’re no one.
That is the dilemma that I am currently in the process of overcoming. It is especially interesting to me, because it used to be a persona that I embraced wholeheartedly – I embraced being nothing, and I accepted being no one.
I can’t be that person anymore. I used to make every effort possible to be invisible. I was so afraid of criticism. I was so afraid of people not liking me. If I were invisible, if I were no one, then they don’t have the option of hating me. They can’t hate what doesn’t exist.
Being able to tolerate the derision of others is one of the most enormously sudden changes that I’ve experienced. I don’t know when I abruptly stopped being the girl that couldn’t sleep at night because she was tortured by the thoughts of people hating her. Even hate that was only hypothetical was enough to make her suffer, to suffocate her in tears and screams.
By spring of this year, after months of struggling, my depression was somehow both substantially better and substantially worse. I was able to spend longer periods of time feeling like a normal person. But internally, I gave up. Fine, I saw therapy, and I felt better. But I wasn’t fighting anymore. I never stopped feeling like I was only prolonging the inevitable. It stopped being a matter of if I’ll get better, if I'll recover from the symptoms of suicidality. For me, it became a matter of, how long can I put it off?
During those periods where I felt “normal” again, it was always hate that broke me and made me relapse. My self-esteem was so fragile. It was very easy to make me feel worthless, or to make me feel like I wasn’t worth being alive. And when I was still in that relationship… Well, there was just a lot of hate. That’s what made me snap in the end. Every time I was hit by hate, I would realize all over again that dying was the best deed I could do for the world. I just wasn’t strong enough to handle it or combat it. I just tried to prolong the countdown.
After getting out of that relationship, getting better was always easy when I didn’t have to face that kind of hate anymore, the kind of hate that kept whispering in my ear, “Everyone would be happier if you weren’t around anymore.” It was always easy to build myself up when I spent months being surrounded by nothing but love. It was always easy when it was just a life full of love.
Right now, I’m coming to terms with the fact that there are people that just don’t like me. I’m loud, annoying, and obnoxious. I’m reckless and overly extravagant. I’m weird, and odd. I’m intense in my passions, perhaps too immensely so. I’m stupid and intrusive. I’m a ditz sometimes. I’m forward, and rude. I’m ignorant and oblivious. I am naïve. There are those that find me endearing, and those that find me so saccharine that it is sickening. I’ve found that is the trade-off that I need to make to reach out to those that do appreciate it. I have learned that it is an inevitable consequence of being social. I have to accept that in order to brighten the days of some, I have to grind the teeth of others.
But when I was bullied and harassed, and when I now seem to have a fleet of people against me, my ceaseless passion for life was tested. I was hopeless at first, and I felt like I was about to be devoured by hate all over again. I was initially so afraid and worried. Every second was being experienced in slow motion, with my heart in my throat. But it was different this time. It was different, because this time, even with the hate and the bullying, I soon learned that my life is still a life full of love. My life is just immense with love. That is something that didn't change. There is possibly a world of hate against me now, but we all watched those Disney movies enough to learn by now that hate means nothing in the face of love.
Even though last week tore me down, the foundation remained. It is strong, and it is sturdy; it is kindness. Hate now drives me towards kindness. Those people that bullied me, those people that tore me down with condescending words and harsh stares… I decided to combat that with headstrong kindness. I won’t stop studying where I study, I won’t stop being wholehearted in my laughter, and I won’t change my daily routine just because of paranoia and self-consciousness. Meanwhile, I still don’t stop holding the door open for them, and I still don’t stop smiling at them and wishing them a good evening when I pass by them in the halls. If someday, they want to look past my oddities and obnoxious tendencies, my heart will always be open to offer kindness. I refuse to be bitter, and I refuse to close my door. Admittedly, my days are now strange and uncomfortable. They are awkward and uneasy. Sometimes, I don’t feel safe. But in the future, if any of them ever reach out to me, I would still be there for them. I would still show them the same unyielding kindness that I offer to everyone else at this school.
I am still confused, and I still don't know why any of it happened. I still don't know why I was targeted. I still don't know what is happening. I still don't know why my former friends and acquaintances are avoiding me. I don't know what people are saying or thinking that is changing how people interact with me. But I can't just stop my entire life because of it. There is nothing I can do now but to keep my chin up and keep moving. I mean, I've gone half a year without ever really knowing why Phuc broke up with me, right? I can get through this. I just have to keep moving. I can't let this stop my stride.
I just know that I’ve come a long way from that girl that cried in her bed for hours on end just by the sheer idea of hate. Hate would just stop me in my tracks, and I was left meaningless and directionless.
Now, I have discovered my answers in my community of friendship and love. I have experienced just so much support and caring. It’s truly extraordinary, and it dwarfs the hate by an enormous degree. It truly inspires me to not allow my integrity to be compromised. “Hate should always incite change; it should always inspire a revolution towards kindness.”
Stay hopeful, bright eyes. You can get through this.
But if it keeps being totally suck forever, at least you only have to deal with this for two more years before you ship off to grad school, haha!