October 28, 2011

  • anniversary

    And it’s funny how you find you enjoy your life
    when you’re happy to be alive.

    - Relient K, High of 75

    -+-

    "Good for you, Christa.  Good for you."

    -+-

    I am not going to pretend that today isn’t important. 

    I am not going to pretend that today isn’t special, and I’m not going to pretend that today doesn’t mean anything to me.  There are things that necessitate pride.  There are moments that require deliberate ignorance.  Today is not one of those things, and today is not one of those moments.

    To pretend that today doesn’t hold extra weight would be a misdeed.  It would imply six years of wasted memories.  It would imply six years of mistakes. 

    And as much as I want to feel like it was all a mistake, I know better.  To believe that it was all a mistake would make it easier to forget that the whole thing ever happened, it would make today easier, and it would give me something to place blame on.  But I’m stronger than that now, and I’m not going to use today as a crutch.  I know now that I don’t need a crutch.  I don’t need to pretend that I’m too weak to last through the rest of today, because I’m not.  I also don’t need to pretend that I’m so strong that today won’t get to me at all, because that’s not true, either.  But that’s okay.  It’s normal.  It’s necessary for days like today.

    So I’ll just go ahead and say it.  Today was going to be my six year anniversary with Phuc.  It feels like the elephant in the room, but I’m the only one in the house anymore.  But yes, that’s today.  And I’m not too proud to admit that today strikes a chord with me.  It’s interesting because “sad” isn’t the right word anymore, because I’m not sad.  Today is not a sad day, but it is unsettling.

    It has now almost been half a year since the Break.  What strikes me the most is how I’m starting to forget.  I don’t remember what we did last year for our anniversary anymore.  I don’t remember where he was born.  I don’t remember which eyebrow his dragon hair is on.  I don’t remember the way his face looked when I walked into a room.  I don’t remember the way he said my name. 

    I could make guesses, but the image is gone.  I used to have this memory, where I was visiting him in Davis one day, and when I got out of the car, he was running towards me and he looked so happy to see me.  In the memory, I could recall the details of his face and his movements; I could remember his clothes, I could remember all the things that he did in celebration when he finally reached me at my car.  I can’t anymore.

    It’s different when you are blatantly and abruptly dumped.  You pray and you wish, day after day, to forget, because at the time, it seems like the only way that you could possibly move on.  Then you do, and then you do. 

    But it doesn’t change that I care about him. I still wait anxiously for the day that we can reconnect and be friends again, if that’s even possible.  We’re dead to each other now, but I’m not going to pretend that we never happened.  He was important.  It was important.  It was important, but it’s over now.  I've grown, and I'm in a good place in my life now.  I really can't think of anything that would make me willing to trade what I have now.  And I don't remember the last time I was able to say that.  So I'm okay with it now.  I've seen our parallel lives over the last five months, and all I know now is that at some point during our relationship, he stopped being the person that I fell in love with.  I'm coming to terms with that now.

    I told myself a long time ago that I would save these for today.  I decided this a long time ago, and I’m just following through now.  There is no huge weight to this, and I don’t feel like I’m a feather for unloading this.  It’s much more just because it's obligatory than being for myself, because it’s counterintuitive to progress.  But I told myself a long time ago that I would do this.  So okay, Past Christa.  You’re getting what you want.

    So these are the last photos that Phuc and I ever took together as a couple, taken about a week before the Break.  He’s never seen these.  It’s funny, right?  In a way, we look so in love and we look like we’re on top of the world and nothing is going to take us down.  In another way, our eyes look sad, and I think, “Damn.  I should’ve seen it coming.”  

    "Happy 28th!"

    Damn.

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