October 27, 2011
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faith
She’s gonna dream up the world she wants to live in.
She’s gonna dream out loud.- U2, Zooropa
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"Are you feeling better, Christa?"
"Well, you know me. I'm the comeback kid!"-+-
I’m back to dreaming about the lab, and that’s how I know that things are well. When I dream of pipetting.
“As long as you enjoy asking the questions, then the venture will always be worthwhile.”
I realized that in spite of my overambitious nature disagreeing with my lack of superpowers, I still enjoy asking the questions. I still enjoy the inquiry, and I still enjoy the process. And I decided that it wasn’t time to throw in the towel. I learned that these meltdowns are natural – “The reason that you’re so heartbroken is because you want it so bad. You’re really dedicated, Christa. Don’t doubt that.”
My workload decreased, and is now a little more average undergrad than research superhero extraordinaire. I’ll admit that I missed the reasonable pace, rather than the six-hour sprints. I’ll admit that as much as I want to be research superhero extraordinaire, I’ve needed this break -- a break to be human for a change.
But there are a lot of complications in being human. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s in the job description. People don’t really change, so I can say whatever I want, but I’ll still always be an over-thinker and I’ll still always be a worrywart. And history always repeats itself, so life will still refuse to let me be comfortable (as it’s definitely proven time after time), whether that be by bestowing me with lab meltdowns, by making my cop partner move away, or by forcing me to go Sub Zero on canine Liu Kangs. Balls to that backstory, btw. Balls and testicles.
But I’m ceaselessly thankful for the adventures that are involved in being human. The past two weeks have been nerve-wracking, but these little adventures have seen me through. The adventures are everywhere – cute girly sleepovers, trips to the brand-new McDonald’s in town, sing-alongs in the car, trips to the boba shop to have dinner with Christa after her difficult few weeks at the lab, the formation of rescue squads to campus to save stranded students that need a ride home -- even just seeing friends in the halls of my university makes my heart leap out of my chest, elated at the opportunity to prevent transience and instead strengthen these valuable friendships.
It's a repetitive theme in my entries, but it's because that's how crucial these tiny events have become to me. Perhaps they are only miniature adventures, but to me, they’re the silver linings that make each of my days a day worth looking forward to, in spite of all of the stress, the confusion, and the second-guessing. Every experience is a memory, and there are no exceptions. As much as I now appreciate the boring, I don’t believe in dull days anymore. I believe in the intricacies of life, and I do so wholeheartedly.
Perhaps it is all actually coincidence and there is no higher meaning behind any of these events. I realize that to believe in otherwise is truly a matter of faith. I may not be based in reality anymore, and maybe to someone else, I just look like a whimsical person engaging in wishful thinking. There is no evidence to faith, and so faith can be just an illusion. But this "path" I've dreamt up, whether it's fictitious or true, that's negligible now. Because either way, the faith begets inspiration -- faith leads to ambition. And ambition begets action. It drives me, and I value that. It drives me to act, and that's what matters most to me. That makes all the difference.
Before, I believed in coincidence. Seeing someone in the hall was just seeing someone in the hall, and nothing more. And that left me unfulfilled. It left me passive. It left me lost. And that tore me apart. My new outlook, this thing of mine that is nothing less than a sort of faith -- it tore me out of my depression and it pulled me out of my heartbreak. It has transformed my loneliness to a wealth of friendship and support. It has turned missed opportunities into seized ones. And I’ve never looked back.
I hope I never do.