Now why do you wanna go and put stars in their eyes?
It's the same old story. Well, they just didn't realize.
- Just Jack
-+-
Starting to converse with people other than Starsky.
"Look, you can't let that get you down. It's so easy for everyone in that field to be just so negative, but if you just keep worrying about everything, then you'll never get anywhere."
"But I'm a huge worrywart! I worry about everything! I worry if I'm going to enjoy the soup of the day!"
"See, Christa! I'm the exact opposite. As long as I have the essentials, I'm okay. You can't worry about everything so much, or else you'll just get lost in all the negatives."
-+-
Okay, universe. You owe me this.
Somehow, you've made me explode in the lab for two weeks in a row. My ambition blew up in my face, and my first attempt at bouncing back blew up in my face even MORE. And of course, it happens the day that I have to say goodbye to my best friend at Merced.
And then the day after that, I become sick, right before my Physics midterm. That's right, the one that I didn't study for over the weekend so I could run those experiments that only ended up backfiring on me. The one where I went, "Okay, I'm gonna run these gels, and then I'm gonna study for Physics ALL WEEK." The only class that is holding a knife to the throat of my GPA. But then when I try to study, I'm also resting and crying my nads off.
Then right after I bomb my midterm, I get an e-mail that just rubs a pound of salt deep into my wounds -- you already know that you did horrible work in the lab this week, but let me emphasize just how awful you were.
It actually doesn't sound that bad when I write it all out, but ughh, mainly it's my lab that's been stressing me out! Every time I convince myself that I'm going to pull myself by my bootstraps, something else just punches me down again. Just socks me in the face and gives me another reason to keep myself down.
Universe, you need to let me have this comeback tomorrow. Because as far as I'm concerned, two weeks is the limit for blowing up. One more week, and we're all going to wonder, "Man, what are we going to do about Christa in the lab?" So I am going to go to the lab, and it's going to be great. Okay? Because I'm really sick of hating the lab. The lab used to be the main thing that would get me through the day when I was getting over Phuc, and I hate that there's so much stigma now within those walls that I used to love so much. I hate dreading the lab. It used to be my favorite place in the entire world. The days that I wasn't in the lab, I would go through cell culture withdrawal because I missed it so much.
I want to go back to loving the science. I want to go back to loving the way that my Eppendorf pipettes drew up reagents with perfect calibration. I want to go back to being awestruck at photographs of embryonic stem cells. I'm sick of being haunted by personal failure. So I'm gonna go back to the lab tomorrow, and it's going to go well. I am just going to swallow my pride, and suck it up. I am going to go back to the science, and I am going to hit the ground running. Okay? Or else I'm just going to explode at how much everything sucks. Oh my freakin' god.
I'm just thankful that I have friends and family that keep me sane.
Oh dear god, keep sane, girl.