To think that I might not see those eyes
makes it so hard not to cry.
And as we say our long goodbye,
I nearly do.
- Snow Patrol
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"It really takes a lot to get Christa angry. She gets much more... sad and bewildered than angry."
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I'm back in the lab.
I'm back in the lab, and it's very different. Instead of having five simultaneous experiments running at a time, I'm down to one at a time. It's admittedly the average undergraduate task size, but it's been carrying the momentum of my feelings of inadequacy. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I go, "Is it because he doesn't think I can handle anything else?" So basically, I get too much work and I have a breakdown, and when my workload appropriately decreases, I'm still imploding.
So I've been pretty out of it science-wise this entire week, and it especially sucks because I just announced to my laboratory last week that I wanted to pursue a career in research. So all week, my thoughts have been along the tangent of, "Am I really cut out for research?" I've committed a lot of second-guessing about myself, for the first time since I stepped foot in that lab.
Luckily, I have access to a wealth of support, so I randomly go to the other undergraduates in the lab, the other cohorts of my internship, or the other members of my teaching labs and just get on my soapbox about how I'm questioning my potential and my capacity for research, and everyone has been extremely supportive in getting me back to the path of passion.
"Ugh. Do you think I'm cut out for research?"
"WHAT? Of course! I think you're amazing. And I'm not just saying that to flatter you, I really mean it. I swear to god, after I joined this lab, I told my friends about this totally awesome, helpful, nice, and super smart undergrad in the lab. Honestly, your enthusiasm is so immense, and your technique is great. And you know so much about the lab, you're pretty much a walking textbook. You're so full of information about everything about the lab. You're amazing. Bottom line. End of story."
Even with all of the peer support, it's still a horrific feeling to actually dread coming into lab. I felt like the walls were lined with my inability to perform research. But it was extraordinary going to one of my graduate student's talks today, and she was just so elated to see me at her talk. She just brightened up, and she even mentioned me during the talk. And I was re-inspired as I listened to her talk, and I could speak this language of immunology and cell biology like it was the back of my hand. The flow cytometry graphs flowed into the transplantation photos, and it spoke to me like the plot of a movie. I was entranced, I was literally sitting at the edge of my seat, waiting eagerly to see the contents of the next slide. I was in love with this science. And I knew that her huge welcoming for me would not have happened had I been an inadequate scientist. The passion is real. The enthusiasm is real. The dedication is real.
I used to think I was just being a huge pussy about my workload, but when I described it to one of my cohorts, he said, "You need to go to your mentor and tell her that your post-doc is giving you too much work. You shouldn't be expected to do this much." orly now. But I've responded by dedicating my nights and weekends to the lab, so that I can dominate this independent project and prove my worth. It is also the only way that I'm going to be able to finish this independent project and get enough time to study for my upcoming physics exam. I am yet to determine if I am biting off more than I can chew, so we'll have to wait and see. Or at least you will wait, I will instead be living in the lab.
I need this voice to go away that's telling me that I can't do this. I am trying to hone in on myself from the perspective of others -- the people that witness me do research and see my love for the science. The people that believe in me even when I don't. The people that see the promise in me. I need to realize again that I have the capacity for this. There is no one in the way but myself, my own self-doubt, and pipetting error.
"Well, you're still a wondergrad to me!"
I need to get back to my confident state of mind, where I could aspirate with even more finesse than my post-doc, and I was able to keep up with even the most dedicated graduate students. Where there was nothing but CD41 protein markers and sugar plum fairies dancing in my head, and nothing but T regulatory cells and irradiation on my mind.
Don't fail me now, cDNA. Don't fail me now.