Sometimes, baby...
the hardest part of breaking is leaving pieces behind you.
- Kimbra
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"Insatiable."
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I am not one that disbelieves in fate anymore.
These past few months have turned me into one of those people that go, "Everything happens for a reason." I used to think that was bullshit. Coincidences are just coincidences, nothing more. But now, I believe it with every ounce of my being, and I see it everywhere.
I'm at the point where even if I just see a familiar face in the halls, that's not a coincidence. That is an opportunity for me to stop and brighten their day, to strengthen our rapport and reaffirm our friendship. Perhaps it even is a critical moment where they are having a terrible day, and I was meant to turn that around. But either way, it is always an opportunity for me to make my mark, and opportunities are not to be squandered. Coincidences, even if they are just truly something out of the ordinary, just don't feel like it anymore. All these little elements, all these little details that placed me in this exact place at this exact time... it's mind-boggling how many things worked together to bring me here. It always feels like everything is sewn together to drive me forward to where I'm supposed to be.
But there is always something that drives us. It can be a state of mind, it can be a dream, it can be a hope. It can be a person, or it can be a sign. It can be a thirst, it can be a hunger, or it can be a light. It can be an idea. But there is always something.
And these past few months, I have been flying down the highway at top speed. I left my weaknesses far behind me -- miles and miles behind me -- and every moment since, I have been feeling the wind against my face, I have been feeling every bump, groove, and pothole of the road beneath me... taking it all in. Just taking it all in and driving myself forward, everyday for months.
Then... October came, and I slammed on the brakes. I was on top of the world, until October. I realized it was October, and I just burnt out. Every moment of hard work was a labor of love, but I just burnt out. I burnt out for the first time since summer, since that day that getting better just got too damn hard. This time... the non-stop exams, the fourteen-hour work days, the people that keep leaving, the hearts that keep breaking, the friendships that keep ending, the conflicts that just won't stop, the sicknesses, the expectations, the guilt, the grief. But especially... the 28th of this month. God, the 28th of this month. It really gets to a girl at some point.
"Christa... I think you put too much pressure on yourself."
But the interesting thing about having your foot on the break... is the ease in getting back on the road. All you have to do is let go. It just takes one lift, one pull, one moment, and you're moving forward again.
The only thing that holds you back, is the hesitation. You need courage, you need faith. You need what drives you.
When I burnt out Sunday night, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what path I was on anymore, I didn't know what to follow. I just knew that I needed to keep moving. My heart was frozen in hesitation and anxiety, and my foot was bound to the brake. But I needed to do something. I needed to keep moving, but to where? I was lost in hesitation. I was lost, I was lethargic, I was empty, I was hopeless. I felt like I had absolutely no power.
Then there was a sign. It was counterintuitive to progress, but everything, the way everything fell together... I could not ignore the conviction that it was nothing less than a sign. It pointed towards a wary woods, but it drove me. I may very well have driven myself into hurt, into regret, into idiocy, but I found a reason to just floor it. And I am moving again because of it. And in spite of everything, I am thankful for that.
We're hardly four days into this month, but it's already been just hard as hell. It is a long, winding path down rough roads. I feel like heartbreak is on my tail, and I always feel like I'm about to fall off a cliff. This month will be difficult. It will be full of disappointment, it will be full of sadness, it will be full of stress and overthinking. But I will make it.
The good part is that I truly believe that things will be better after October is over. Pain heals. Hearts recover. You fall down, then you get back up. I will endure whatever this month has to throw at me, and I will fight back, every second of the way. And if I get hurt trying, I still know that I will heal. I have no doubt about it.
"You'll be fine, Christa."
October, I'd ask you to be kind to me, but I know better than that.
So instead, I will tell you this: Bring it.
I am dreading this month, I am dreading everything that this month has to offer, I am dreading every single day of this entire forsaken season, but I will say that I'm actually... not afraid. It'll hurt, but I know I'm going to make it. It will be heartbreaking, and it will suck, but I am not afraid. I will take you on. So bring it.
Good to see you too, October.