Live high.
Live mighty.
Live righteously.

- Jazon Mraz

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"Ha!  Now there's that smile.  It's such a 'Christa' smile."

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More and more, I'm discovering how difficult it is for a situation to be "larger than life."  I would watch those shows, with their formulated scripts and their formulated lines, and just shake my head.  I wonder about the likeliness that I could live a life like this, with its adventures, its emotions, its depth.  My answer to myself is always, "Impossible."  Until it happens to me.

Life, as it turns out, is pretty big.  I don't know why that's such a revelation to me, but it truly is.  I've spent years in the same niche -- same daily routine, same sheltered life, same boyfriend, same group of friends.  I never left my comfort zone, and thus, life seemed so simple and straightforward.  But now, I'm learning all over again that life is elaborate in its intricacies.  The moment that I think I have things figured out, the carpet gets swept from under my feet, and I'm falling into new territory.  Right when I manage to pick myself back up, I fall down into somewhere new again, and the cycle is yet to cease.

It is a daunting task to try to describe how much my life has changed over the past several months.  Yet, somehow, in a lot of ways, it really hasn't.  Just as life is full of unexpected turns and surprises, history never ceases to repeat itself.  And sometimes, people really just don't change.

Recently, I've been learning that I'm not really as different a Christa as I've perceived.  Somehow, underneath those months of manic depression, underneath all of that bleeding pessimism, underneath that introversion, underneath that shaking mental and emotional health, underneath the "I give up"s and "I'm worthless"s and "There's no point"s, there was a girl. 

Underneath all of it, there was a girl. 

There was a girl that loved to bake, that daydreamed everyday about her wedding, that wants an amazing bathroom in her house when she has a family of her own.  There was a young woman that was really passionate about the happiness of others, and loved to get little gifts for her friends just so that they would know that she cared about them.  She had a great capacity for empathy, and got worried if anyone in a 50-foot radius was sad.  She had immense integrity, even when her prudence made her the uncool kid on the block.  She had enormous passion for whatever she enjoyed -- cooking, knitting, museums, traveling, shopping, ice cream.  She never did a damn thing without putting her entire heart into it -- unless it was, of course, super boring.  But it didn't matter that she lacked talent, because she had spirit.  It didn't matter that she only knew how to knit linearly, because she still put her whole heart into those scarves.  It didn't matter that she didn't know how to cook a damn thing -- she loved working in that kitchen, and would not trade those late, messy evenings concocting pies and cupcakes for anything.

She still makes all those odd faces and she still makes all those weird sound effects.  She's still a huge nerd (perhaps even a bigger nerd now, if that's even possible), and she still loves Harvest Moon.  Her old botany passions still spark up whenever she walks through the nursery of a hardware supply store.  She still has zero passion for sports, but she still tries to keep up with them anyway just so she can keep up with the conversations that happen between the men in her life.  She still has a crush on fluffy animals, and she still loves going to the pet store just to look at all the critters, because it makes her feel like she's at a zoo.  Twist ending -- she still loves zoos.  She still wants to go back to Disneyland, she still wants to roll in all the kitsch at Las Vegas, she still wants to see New York, she still wants to attend a live taping of Conan O'Brien's talk show (in whatever incarnation it may be in), and she still wants to change someone's life.

I feel like I'm finally waking up.  I feel like I'm not just meeting myself all over again, but I'm discovering myself for the first time, too.  I'm learning about the things that people see in me, that before, I never chose to see in myself.  There was a veil over my eyes, choosing to see only the very worst in me.  Yet, there is so much more.

I forgot about the dreams and ambitions that was hiding under the surface.  As it turns out, underneath all the pain... there was a fuse.  There was a fuse that was sitting there, all along, underneath all the dirt and baggage, just waiting for a spark.  And the moment that I kissed the world goodbye, it wasn't a flame that set off.  It was an inferno.  And now, the sky is saturated with fireworks.

It's extraordinary, but as enthralled as I might be, I'm not blinded by all of the lights.

After all of the sparks, you're left alone in the dark.

I want to say, "I hope it lasts," but this is not something that relies on hope.  This is something that depends on my own resilience, strength, determination, and hard work.  And before, that was something I was so scared of.  "I'm not strong enough."  But today, when I reflect on the work that I have ahead of me, I'm okay with it.  I know that no matter how this ends, I'll get through it.

After all, I know who I am now.  I know what I'm worth, and I know what kind of potential and promise I have.

You're going to be just fine, Christa.

You'll be just fine.