If I was an old-school fifty-pound boombox,
would you hold me on your shoulder wherever you walk?
Would you turn my volume up in front of the cops,
and crank it higher every time they told you to stop?
- Gym Class Heroes
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"You're something else, Christa. You're really interesting. I've never met anyone else like you."
"Wow, really? You think so? I always thought I was rather plain. [laughter] But I guess that's because I'm used to the world from my own perspective, so everything I do seems normal to me. Like, say, buckling in my stuffed frog for all my roadtrips? I do that shit all the time! SO BAM, NORMAL!"
But then again, that was coming from someone that's never met a person that plays Punch Buggy before. Aka, WTF? Amirite or amirite?
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I feel like I might as well give up on settling into comfortable situations.
I thought that summer was already hugely eventful on its own, but these past two weeks of Fall semester are really trying to give summer a run for its money.
I spent months adjusting to my summer habits. Even being able to develop summer habits felt like a huge accomplishment after the break-up. But I finally got used to the flow and rhythm of the laboratory, and fell into habits in socializing -- church group on Mondays, dinner parties on Tuesdays and Fridays, evenings of long summer walks and stargazing at the park whenever we could fit them in.
But the enormity of change that can occur over the course of weeks, days, minutes, seconds, is mindblowing. The last few weeks have felt like one long hallucination, especially when remembering how much comfort I was in several months ago. It feels impossible for everything to be anything other than a dream, no matter how much anyone corroborates otherwise. Timing and I have had our ups and downs over the last several weeks, but Distraction and Overthinking continue to be the bane of me. I've encountered my first case of college "drama," but I'm just mindbogglingly fortunate for my amazing support networks.
School started, and I had to compromise my devotion to the lab. My schedule has to re-adapt to studying, and now I feel completely out of touch with co-workers, friends, and time. My class schedule doesn't let me go attend my church group anymore, and no one has time for long summer walks anymore. What once settled into a comfortable routine of friendship is once again demanding a lot of effort to maintain. But this time, in contrast to the last many years, I'm trying to not let apathy defeat my friendships.
I also found myself just abruptly diving into a completely new, different culture. It happened with the utmost subtlety. I didn't realize that I was going down the rabbit hole until I was already face-to-face with the Cheshire Cat. I didn't know that there was so much gravity in just walking down those stairs, smiling, and introducing myself. I didn't know that just trying to accumulate good karma would have so many repercussions. It's unbelievable how much can arise from sheer coincidence.
I'm at the point where I'm wondering how much weight is on every little thing I do. I used to think that only huge events can bring about huge change, but the last few weeks have been definitely suggesting otherwise.
It brings about a lot of questions and doubt in my everyday routine. What will happen if I take the bus home, or if I ask for a ride? What will happen to me if I walk to the left instead of the right? What will happen if I take the elevator instead of the stairs? What will happen if I make that stop, or if I just keep driving? What will happen if I ask for your name, or if I let you remain a stranger?
Will it be nothing, or will it change my life?