Hello!

edit @ 10.12 p.m.

Part of me can die happy now.  After a search of four years of this piece that I never knew the title of, (because DAMMIT video games don't go "currently playing in the background is a wonderful piece called..") I've FINALLY found, the orchestral piece from Xenogears that I've absolutely loved loved loved.  When I heard it again today, I cried.  The music spills with this hope and optimism and is lined with determination and passion.  Where "Fei and Elly's Theme" and "Broken Mirror" are extraordinary works with soothing calmness, this is the piece that jumps out of the box, with a subtle bang of breaking out of your shell and finally reaching for tomorrow after years of fear.  Listen and you'll understand my comparison.  It's hands-down my favorite orchestral piece and has been since I first heard it. 

Fine, fine, I know what you're going to say, this theme from Xenogears is my favorite orchestral piece, "Fei and Elly's Theme" from Xenogears is among my favorite piano pieces, and "Broken Mirror (Small of Two Pieces)" from Xenogears is my favorite song of all time, but DAMMIT ALL!  YASUNORI MITSUDA'S A GENIUS!  She and the game received a heap of rewards on "Best Original Soundtrack for a Video Game."

I definitely recommend y'all check out "Chu Chu's Flight" from the Xenogears Original Soundtrack.  Yes, that's the name of my favorite orchestral piece.  Rock on.

/edit

First off, I would like to thank Sarah (who I still like to call Hukaru) and [the hecka detailed] Phuc for my new knowledge on THE SOUNDS THAT A BUNNY MAKES! I feel so enlightened now.

LOL!  (damn right, I'm laughing out loud when no one's said anything funny) Man, I was so jumpy today!  It started today in English, and we watched a Star Trek episode to relate it to Anthem on a collective society, and my geekish trekkie-ness came back in a landslide.  (Yes, I admit it now [i'm pretty sure i have before], and hopefully I never will again.  I am a bit of a trekkie.  Not too hardcore, though.  Just that years back, I watched The Next Generation and Voyager religiously, and I speak fluent Klingon.  Joking on the Klingon.)  It was "I Borg" which I always thought was a kick-butt episode.  (c'mon, all my fellow nerds know what i'm talkin' 'bout)  And I was SO weirded out when I could explain everything with everyone and could lip-sync with some of the actors and I was jumpy in my seat like, "YEAH!  THE BORG!  DON'T Y'ALL KNOW ABOUT THE BORG?!?!  THEY'RE FRICKIN' INSANE!"

Yes.  I had adrenaline that spilled on for another eight hours of the day from.. Star Trek.

WHAT?!  IT WAS A GOOD EPISODE!  Gawd.

Tomorrow I'm going to watch the Little Women musical at the community theatre downtown!  WHOO!  So excited.  'Twas invited by the ever-so-famous Mrs. Choate, my kindergarten/first grade teacher.  Cannot wait; it's going to be my very first play of the sorts and I'm finally going to witness THE ARTS!  Oh, heck yes.

Y'all should know that you're missing out on some seriously insane ASCII art on celebritries (making pictures using only computer characters).  Check this out.  I was amazed.

Hahah.  Afterschool, I found this paper on the floor that was scrawled with, "Do you like me?  Yes No"  Yeah, neither of them were checked on this second-grade-ish note just there on the floor.  And I flipped out.  I started yelling at Phuc, "OMG! Look at this!" and was conjuring up every single scenario that could possibly do with this paper.  I imagined a boy that slipped it into his best friend [of 3+ years]'s textbook and she (who actually does like him) never saw it and it just dropped out of her textbook and now, when she doesn't say anything to him, he'll think that she rejected him and they missed out on the LOVE OF THEIR LIFE!  Or that a boy got it from the girl that always had a crush on him for as long as she could remember and when she finally, finally gets the courage to do as much as write a note because she's too shy to tell him in person, he just THROWS IT ASIDE LIKE IT'S NOTHING! ::cries a little:: All the possibilities.  And I will never get the chance to know.

I kept that paper.

OMIGOD! I'M RUNNING OUT OF TOPICS TO TALK ABOUT!  Smooth transition to the end of the entry, I know.  ;D

Today's lesson: There is a hole in peoples' hearts that can only be filled by other people.  By your friends, by your family, by your enemies, by your love, by your teachers, and finally, by strangers.  And it's funny, because they'll probably never know about it.  I hope that everyone reading this does know it.  The hole in my heart has already been significantly filled.

here's a joke you might not laugh at: all the poorest work the hardest for the smallest

Bye for now.

Heylo.

It's a bit comfortable now in Elk Grove, and I think that's funny.  A month ago today, I felt lost amidst the intimidating unfamiliar faces, and I imagined never finding a comfort zone, of waiting for that day where I finally give up and crawl into a corner and wait to die.  Hahah, yeah.  So it's just so amazing and weird whenever I walk in the halls and people say "hi" to me, and when I see people I recognize and I know their favorite colors, their birthdays, their dreams.  So I'm okay now.  I will survive, y'know, just like Donna Summer.

I really do believe that spicy food is out to get me.  I mean, I have no issues with spicy food, it's like a frickin' party in my mouth, but everyone knows that it sends to on the verge of death.  So when Panouchee offered me this really spicy candy and made these eyes that half-expected me to eat it then and there--and I did, without water or anything--I was ready to kill myself to end the suffering.  Just letting anyone know, in case y'all want to treat me out to lunch or something.  Yep, just, y'know, treat me out to some food.. and I'm hungry, just sayin'.. not tryin' to imply anything here, but y'know..

Happy birthday to everyone whose birthdays are coming/today/just passed! 

Today's lesson question: What sound DO bunnies make?!  I'm serious.  Comment me if you got the answer.  I just really have to know.

oh, the sweetest thing..

Bye for now.

HELLO THERE!  How are you?  Spiffy?  Good.

I swear, play rehearsals has gotta be the best part of the day for me.  It's just the best time I've had in such a long time.  It's so fun.  Me actually teaching piano, dancing and singing duets in the seats like there was no one else in the world, being eager to tell someone their line when they forget (being eager is different than doing.. T_T), deep talks about both the past, about why-can't-it-be-small-medium-and-large-instead-of-tall-grande-and-venti, about relationships, about friends, and about "being ninja."  Oh yes.  The rest of the day simulates a "you gotta get through this to get to there" feeling.  ..Bio is potentially one of the most boring things I've ever been through.  Damn the student teacher.  I'm lucky that he's an enigma wrapped in a riddle and it's an interesting puzzle.  ..That's a bit insenstive.
Pfft.  I honestly don't know what I'm going to do when the play is done.  I imagine myself crumbling to pieces in the far corner of the room until I'm finally driven to shoot myself, I swear.  PFFT!

AHHH!!  I'm so mad at myself!  ::whaps myself:: =_= I'm SO constantly annoyed towards and biased against this person who is closed-minded, arrogant, smartass (and it's even worse because he's a wrong smartass), blind of all sensible politic, of sympathy, of manners, who is unable to hold a serious conversation, cannot listen, cannot cooperate, cannot be asked of questions due to inevitable rudeness, is such a jerk, condescends and undermines me, hands-down insults me when I tell him about the way I look at the world, convinced completely and utterly that he's the shit, makes offensive comments left and right, doesn't know when to stop, and is so confident that he's got everything about the world in the palm of his hand.  Okay.  So you're wondering why I'm mad at me (mind you, that doesn't mean i'm not mad at him. oh, i'm so mad at him.). Well, I suppose he can't help it, it's his personality and might not even be his fault because of influence of others (or some excuse like that), and I'm sure there must be SOMETHING right with him or somethin', and I haven't been giving him the chance like I generally do with people.  But damn it, I tense up and have a twitch in my eye when he's around, but I try my very best not to scream at him, I swear.  To not scream at him that if he doesn't get things straight, someone's SO going to choke/shoot him.  Now if it really happens, I didn't jinx anything. I just predicted it.  Oh, God..
Whew.  Just had to get that off my chest.

Hey, did anyone catch the PBS special "Get Up, Stand Up: A Story of Pop and Protest" earlier today?  I got the last hour (damn you, "So You Think You Can Dance" at the same time!) and I was really engaged in it.  It's about how musicians are getting involved in (and have been for thirty years or so now) political manners (war, terrorism, poverty).  And I'm personally for musicians being involved in politics, partially because I learned about the problems in Africa through Sir Bob Gedolf and Bono. So you know it works.  I mean, people saw me for the ONE cause.  Politcally aware musicians got through to me.  There's a article on the documentary here by the Washington Post.
While I'm on that note, y'all should listen to "Do They Know It's Christmas?" by Band Aid, and there's a 2004 remake by Band Aid 20.  It was the spark of Live Aid, recorded in 1984, because Geldolf just wasn't satisfied with just "..Christmas?".  You can find and download both versions here.  Just click on "Music" under Navigation.  The site's also uber up-to-date on Live 8 and a lot involved in the Drop the Debt/ONE Campaign, with definitely more info than I've offered, so check that out, too.

That's it for today. 

Today's lesson: There is never beauty in hate.  It doesn't matter what the reasons are, the causes, the outcomes, there's never beauty in hate.

don't ask any questions, and don't try to understand

Bye for now.

::turns on some dramatic music with a funky bass::
Hello.  My name is Christa.  I am a teenager living in Northern California.  There have been rough times, smooth times, and times in-between in this movie of a state, a stage of a country.  This.. is my story.

..SO LAME!  I KNOW!  I'm just so awesome.  Toe-tall-ee tube-you-lair. Say it out loud, and it doubles as making sense AND as yet another reason of why I'm just such a loser.

"Laugh out loud."  Why yes, I'll be hung up on that for a while.  Isn't this the third entry I've mentioned that already?

::someone in the audience shoots me::  Wait, I have an audience?

I JUST SO REALIZED SOMETHING MENTIONED IN A COMMENT!  My banner is this GLOOMY THING about the torture but beauty of memories and is remniscent of stains of blood, and (with the exception of yesterday's entry) I'm here all jumpy and writing about reading braille (because reading braille is the frickin' coolest thing since tater tots, okay?) and actually thinking I have the nerve to try and pull off "toe-tall-ee tube-you-lair."

Earlier today, I was looking back, seeing memories and events walk pass my eyes and either give me a hug or just slap me across the face, and so, people of the world, i have come to new enlightenment to...something:
i am, in fact, the luckiest person in the world.
You cannot convince me otherwise. Thank you to everyone that has helped lead me to this conclusion.

And you are all lucky people just for the hell of it, because I would list details why one-by-one (outlined either by person or by chronological order, i still can't decide), but y'all just know it'd be endless.  NO, SERIOUSLY!  I WOULD TYPE IT ALL OUT!  You know I would. Pssh.

I AM BOLDING THIS SENTENCE SO YOU READ THE IMPORTANT TIDBIT TO FOLLOW: Did anyone hear about the debt cancellation, which wipes out up to 55 billion dollars in debt for 38 of the poorest countries in the world??!  WELL, IT'S FRICKIN' AWESOME NEWS!  It was an agreement by the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund (IMF) and of 184 world leaders, including the G8.  Anyone that signed the ONE Declaration should know about it (check your e-mail, kids).  I heard about it yesterday and got around to writing about it today.  Here's reactions of activists greatly involved in the cause from DATA (Debt, AIDS, Trade, Africa), and an article on it by the Washington Times (link courtesy of ONE.org).
Because where you live should not decide whether you live or whether you die.

Today's lesson: Right when you think you're making a fool of yourself, you realize that people loved and accepted you all along.

i'm living a lie.. there's nothing inside

Bye for now.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE..

stop it.  just stop it.

people like you want me to hate everything and hurt everyone.

i can't believe you.

Hello, good samaritans of the world!

Yesterday was fun.  Went down to San Jose for the Weber.. THING!  Yah.  The turn-out was immensely overwhelming.. Daniel, Joeve, Chocolate, and me.  YAH!  That was it.  But it was still like.. uber neat.  After Weber left, we went bowling and walked around Oakridge, then ate at Eastridge.  I cannot believe that Albertsons doesn't allow cameras.

T_T And I don't have a ONE band anymore.  SOLUTION?!!?!  I must buy fifty more and mail them to all the people from San Jose that lost/broke/never had one and pass them out like candy to my classmates in MTHS, taping the legendary (yes, legendary.  that paper is more popular than i am.) "This is not a cause, it's an emergency." flier onto it.  IT'S THE ONLY ANSWER!  Genius?  I so know. Joking here. But seriously, e-mail me or tell me if you want a(nother) ONE band and I'll probably mail it to you and tab you on a dollar (or you can give me the dollar in advance.. because i need money.).

AHHHHHHRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHGHGHGRW tjlfdsa hklaBKLaksjdln  people piss me off sometimes.  I spend all this time and determination and earnest hope to believe in the best of people, in the choice to believe in the best in everyone, perhaps being disappointed now and then.  But it's another thing when the disappointment is a constant, repeatedly kicking me when down, laughing in my face.  That's way past disappointment.  There are people that do that to me, without neither mercy nor pity.  Psychologically kick my ass, then tell me in a bold-faced lie that they didn't--they swear that they were sure it was for the best, they didn't mean to hurt anyone, they knew what they were doing, they'll never do something that stupid again and then do it five minutes after.  Tell me the story like they were the hero, tell me that they were trying not to hurt me, tell me the lie that they love me, tell me that I'm the one that's wrong.  Tell me that I was "a fucking idiot" from the start for ever trying to believe in people. Oh yeah? Huh? Huh? Huh? Well, fuck you. PPFFFT! TAKE THAT!
If I die from trust (not like, "dumb death-insured trust" where i walk into some stranger's car b'cos of candy. i'm not that stupid.), I'm not completely sure I'd regret it.  I probably wouldn't.

For the last like..::clears throat:: few years, I've been trying to learn to read braille.  I've been decently successful; I know how to count to five and about a third of the alphabet from the little braille underwrites beneath signs and such.  (Did you know that it's not always a direct translation?!  Like at one bathroom, it said, "girl's bathroom" in braille but the print was "women". AMAZING, I KNOW! ::feels slightly pathetic::)  But the issue is that I'm reading it.  Like, with my eyes.  And you know, it's just me, but I really feel like that completely destroys the point of it..

edit @ 3:33 p.m. (and yes, yes i did make a wish)
Browsing through Xangas and just found this interesting:

"Something of note from the U2 concert: Bono spent a lot of time talking about helping the poor and all that.  The crowd cheered whenever he said things about giving money to people in New Orleans and Africa and everywhere else.  After the show I saw a homeless man selling Streetwise papers for a dollar outside the stadium.  Everybody ignored him.

It's almost poetic."
-http://www.xanga.com/Denslow

Today's lesson: When your head hurts, it's okay to need a shoulder to lie on.

oh what a beautiful view, if you were never aware of what was around you

Bye for now.

Yo.

::GGGAAAASPPPSSS!!!::  A new Larry-boy video from Big Idea called, "Larryboy Returns" is coming out in 2006; the first Larry-boy video since "Rumor Weed" in 1999!!  OH, COME ON NOW, y'all know what I'm talking about!!  Does this like, mean nothing to you people!?  IT'S VEGGIETALES, MAN!  Coooome oooonnnnnnn.  Tell me someone's as excited as me (or even moreso) about this.  I love Larry-boy.

I think I'll remember today for a while.  It's a good day.  Hopefully, tomorrow will be on par, or brutally defeat, today, if all goes supremely well and miracles happen.

Denial is an intriguing thing. 
To cloud yourself from reality, to pretend that everything's the way you want it to be.  You can't help it, you need to reassure yourself of the possibility that things will go exactly as you planned.  There is no emotional baggage in the crowded closet of your mind, and there is neither tears nor anger behind that smile.  Of course not.  Your favorite band isn't a weenie, your sweetheart is not making out with your best friend, the cuts on your wrists are from "falling down and got cut by some really fucking sharp rock," you drowning in your own self-pity is completely normal and healthy.  Stop popping pills, lying that you've never been hurt, writing poems that are "emotional but i'm not like that, really," and face the truth.  Life sucks; everyone wades through the same pool of quicksand but the thing about the people that make it is that they don't let the quicksand drag them down.  But no, you won't deal with that type of thinking because you're in denial.

It's okay.  Really, honest to God.  I don't blame you.

You're only human.

You need to pretend that you're the strongest person in the room, that everything is fine and that you've never lied in your life.  Because you don't know what you're going to do otherwise.

You're only human.

Today's lesson: Sing.  Dance.  Express yourself.  Laugh.  Write.  Scream at the top of your lungs so that everyone can hear you.  Because you're alive and you're living.  So live.

you're kept awake dreaming someone else's dream.. coffee is cold, but it'll get you through; compromise is nothing new to you

Bye for now.

Hello.

Things are going fine. 

The school day goes by faster than earlier in the year.  I really like the play.  The cast ran through the entire thing once in the theater now, with the exception of one part because Ms. Townsend was absent.  I get a kick out of watching the auditions.  Seeing the actors still adjusting to everything, messing up.  I like etching that in my mind to compare it to the final result when everyone's going to be really really perfect and super-duper.  I enjoy -- and I'm not just saying this because he'll read it -- Phuc's performances.  It's just really really entertaining.  What surprised was that yesterday, Ms. Townsend offered me the role of one of the fairies and be on stage.  That didn't surprise me too much, I've been to almost every rehearsal (almost, not all.. damn you, Gregory House) and I did decently during auditions, but it did shock me that I politely declined the part.  I don't regret it.  I'm stage manager (i'm part of the kick-butt CREW, man!), and I ain't gon' be sellin' out to be a fairie and scratch Phuc's head.

Y'know, if I squint really hard and shake my head around, I can make everyone look like Joeve.  It's true.  And magical.

Okay, so did anyone watch "So You Think You Can Dance" yesterday?!  DID YOU SEE NICK AND MELODY'S SECOND ROUTINE?!?!?!  It was just, oh my god, it was really really awesome, I just had to mention it.  Those two have been my favorite since the start and YESSS they're both in the final six. (Hopefully in the finales! We'll see next Wednesday on FOX, 8/7c  )

I realize that I'm well-rounded in human interaction, which I'm pretty proud of (although i'm not completely sure if i should be).  I can speak Otaku, I can speak sane (why yes, they ARE the opposite of each other).  I'm entertaining.  I'm boring.  I'm outgoing.  I'm shy.  I can talk about cheese.  I can talk about politics and the state of third-world countries.  I ramble.  I listen.  I can hold a silly conversation and a serious one, sometimes at the same time.  I can also have really really awkward silences or really really comfortable silences.  I'm boring.  I know I've mentioned that, but my GOD, I'm just so boring.  Or annoying.  It's a "Pick your poison," really.  It almost makes me angry.

Looking back, I realize I've still never seen a sunset before.  I need to get out more.  Ooh!  Someone, take me to the Metropolitan Museum of Art!  I've been itching to go there!  Okay, it's across the country, whatever, I wanna go.

"Laugh out loud."  The cup noodle gods bless me.

Today's lesson: There's a reason that people exist with other people.  Because together, we can be the voice that makes the difference.

an intellectual tortoise racing with your bullet train

Bye for now.

"It all falls back to faith."

Yo.

Instinct gives promise that something very wrong will happen, and I'm really hoping that my gut just really likes to lie.  I'm torn between the unfortunate decision of tomorrow and yesterday, of next year and the year after.  I know I'm not making sense.  Whatever.  I've lied to you.  I suppose we're even because you've lied to me too.  I want to put on my headphones and drown out the world.  I'm not sure if I care anymore, or want to care.  I'm afraid to care.  Alas, I can feel myself fading away, and it's difficult to cope with.  It's not a shock to me; I've fought.  I'm losing.  I never thought I'd sink back here.  It's no one's fault.  It's just a bit hard to look in the mirror.  Lie to me the next time you see me.  Pretend that everything still matters.  When I can't look at the world and instantly see happy tomorrows, promise me that someone will.  While I'm on sick leave, dealing with the usual problems that adolescents go through, promise me that I'll return.

I never thought I'd finally snap.  All I can do is bandage the wounds, and I promise, I'll heal.  I wear my heart on my sleeve with no regrets.  We all need someone to compensate for the aloofness and distance that the rest of the world has to offer.

Give me, like, just two or three days (i know, i'm hella good).  I just need happy people and happy thoughts and happy IMing and happy e-mails and not fucking up for a while.  You'll notice that happy conversations isn't included.  What?  I'm really boring in person, come on now.

Maybe I just need more people signing the ONE declaration, lol.  That's right, "laugh out loud".  It just...doesn't seem that cool-looking on blogs than on instant messaging, especially with the implication that I'm laughing at my own joke.  Maybe that's what I'll do (i mean, the ONE thing not the laughing at my own joke thing).  Once we fix-up the Hurricane Katrina crisis, I'll go crazy with the ONE campaign (so many people at my high school have never heard of it and it pisses me off).  It's honestly, as pathetic as it may be, the one concrete motivation in me finding friends here in MTHS, regardless of all the drama and chit-chat and awkwardness that I'll inevitably be involved in.  I mean, whose passion are you going to believe in, that of a flier handed out to you or that of your best friend?  And really, can you believe that almost no one at my school's heard of the ONE campaign!  Even after Live 8!  ARRGH!  I mean, c'mon, we're the MTV/VH1 generation, how do you not know?!

Okay, so who watched the Emmys last night?!  Show of hands!  ::Christa raises her hand::  Oh my GOD, so we all know by now that I'm a big fan of both Scrubs (Season 1 currently on sale and Season 2 on sale Nov. 15!) and House (Tuesdays on 9/8c on FOX!), so we can only imagine my delightful shock when both Zach Braff and Hugh Laurie went onstage together to present the award for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series, where I'm fairly sure that I cried.  What?  It was really really beautiful.  Like a work of art.  And on that note, I'm pretty sure that we can only imagine me when neither Zach Braff nor Hugh Laurie won in their respective categories of Best Actor, where I'm fairly sure I let out a long, annoying wail.  ::sniffs in recollection of yesterday's events::

Holy shit!  I got the highest test score in my Bio class out of 45 students!  I got a 48/50 and the only student that maintained an average A+ in the class.  I was really shocked, I mean.. I was looking (a little bit too much) for a mistake that the scantron corrector missed or something, but no. YESSS!  I STILL GOT IT!!  Whoo!  Now when bullies start bossing me around to copy my homework, I have no one to blame but myself..

I swear, my voice in anything other than calm, I realize, is very annoying.  I mean, it's so nasal and whiny!  How can anyone tolerate talking to me?  I probably wouldn't be able to, I'm sure..

..That is all.

Today's lesson: Photography kicks ass.  I mean, check out this guy's photography gallery from DeviantART.  It's like.. dude.  Whoa.

you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find.. you get what you need

Bye for now.